Hold the Mayo.

The Loveliest

Cordilia was the loveliest Wood Nymph Fairy in the Land. She lived in the Golden Forest, with the nice rabbits, and the non-obnoxious squirrels. The butterflies fluttered near large blue-globe thistle plants. The sun was always warm and bright.  Little fellas would whistle when they worked.

Theennnnnnnnnn….. one day…. a dark stranger came to the Forest. The stranger introduced herself to Cordilia. Her name was Ruinyurday from the land of Ohioalea. She seemed nice enough. She wore corn husks for earrings, and a necklace of woven soybean plants. Yet… she smelled vaguely of cow manure. And… she walked with a limp.

But as I mentioned…Ruinyurday seemed nice enough and offered a piece of white toast with butter on it… to Cordilia. The little chipmunks ran around in nervous little circles. You could almost hear them singing…. little nervous songs.

Little Cordilia politely said….”No thank you ma’am. I’m trying to go TOTALLY gluten free… AND I’m watching my waist.” To which Ruinyurday responded…. “Eat it you little wench. Or I shall slather it with Helmann’s Mayonnaise, and force it down your throat.”

Cordilia obliged. “Hmmmm. This is quite tasty. Did you say this was butter?” she exclaimed.
Ruinyurday scoffed… “No. It’s not butter.”
Cordilia… surprised and alarmed said…. “I can’t believe it’s NOT butter!”

At any rate, as soon as she took the bite… the skies turned gray. The winds began to howl from the North… like crazy…. I’m telling you.  And then….the snow filled the sky.

Everyone took heed.  The squirrels began to run. They called back over their shoulders… “Run Rabbit. Run.”

Suddenly, and savagely, it happened. The entire Golden Forest was covered with ice and snow. The Arctic Vortex had fallen upon the fine, fine land. Ruinyurday said… Welcome to the NEW Ohioalea. I am the new Ice Queen.  Mayonnaise on white bread….. all around the table.”

And the entire forest was sad. And miserable. And frozen. Snow covered. Wretched and Lugubrious.

The End.
Until Spring.

 

“Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.” – Hesiod  (True Quote from Hediod.  I didn’t make that up.)

“Do not consider it proof just because it is written in books, for a liar who will deceive with his tongue will not hesitate to do the same with his pen. ” – Maimonides

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