May 21

You light up my life.

Tan mom was in the news again today. Defending her rights as a tanner, among other things. She said that tanning takes a big skill. A big skill indeed.

And there you have it.

So you know me….. and my ruthless pursuit of knowledge. I decided to research the Fine Art of Tanning. In 7 Easy Steps.

1. Pick a sunny day. While this may seem like common knowledge to the tanning virtuoso…. to many amateurs……  it is not.

2. Warm weather is preferable. Although it is possible to absorb UV Rays at any time of the year, warm temperatures are advisable …. as sweaters, coats, and scarves lessen the overall taming surface of the skin.

3. Go outside.  This helps tremendously. Tanning through window light simply is tedious at best. Possible… but insipid.

4. Slather up with tanning oil. Do not, I repeat , do NOT use what is termed a Sunscreen Lotion. They contain harsh chemicals which block the sun from creating that deep dark luster. The label will have an SPF rating. This is called the Sun Protection Factor… hence… your first dead giveaway that this will be a preventative.  Dead giveaway.

5. While tanning oil is good….  Crisco Shortening is better. Nothing fries like Crisco.

6. Lie down during tanning.  However, it is suggested that you turn over frequently. This ensures an even darkness, which is very similar to cooking a chicken on a Rotisserie Grill.

7. Tanning may also be accomplished from artificial sources… commonly referred to as “Tanning Salons”. More on Tanning Salons in the next edition of the Art of Tanning.  If neither artificial, nor natural light is available…. brown shoe polish may be applied directly to the skin.

If it weren’t for Tan Mom, I would never have learned all of this. She sure is doing an incredible job of spreading the truth about tanning….

“What you perceive, your observations, feelings, interpretations, are all your truth. Your truth is important. Yet it is not The Truth.” – L. Ellinor

She looks like Wile E. Coyote after the dynamite stick blows up.” – Jimmy Kimmel