Feb 06

No How.

I’m just saying. If this is the front door, I’m sure as heck not going in through the back door!

Well………that’s not really true.  I mean, I probably would. But there HAVE been times in my life when I’ve said, “No way. No how!” to certain things.

Like the time my friends and I were at this really nice restaurant, and they wanted me to put straws up my nose and do my walrus imitation. I, of course, obliged to that….you all know how I LOVE animals.   I was snorting and sluffing all over the place… head bobbing to and fro… had my hands facing down on the table and wobbled around like a big ol’ walrus. Spilled three water glasses for effect. So…. then…. they wanted me to take the loaf of bread, stuff two olives in the flat side for eyes, make a little mouth hole in it, and do my Bread Man imitation. Well, that ALWAYS sounds like fun to me…. so I did that too.  I get this scary voice on, almost Slingblade-ish, but not quite… and become…..Bread Man.  That little loaf told stories, and jokes, and we laughed so hard. Shoot, one lady peed. I’m not sure if it was really that funny, or if she’s just getting to that age when bladder control becomes bladder out of control. Oh, we went on and on, until the manager asked us to leave. So on the way out, they wanted me to wave goodbye to everyone…..like Queen Elizabeth on the balcony.   I said.. “No way. No how.” (I’m sure you all know why….)

I never can say goodbye….no, no, no, no…..

Uno mas.

Feb 05

Lights. Camera. Action.

I love movies.  But I don’t often go to the theatre to watch them.  However, we went to see “The King’s Speech” and it was very, very good.  Superb acting.  A lot of stammering…. which didn’t make for a lot of memorable quotes.  But nonetheless, an excellent film.

Yes, I love great lines from movies too.  Some of my favorites that are coming to mind right now….

“I fancy! There’s only one of him, and he’s it. He’s the Horse of a Different Color.”
-Wizard of Oz

“Wiiiiiilllllllllssssssoooooonnnn.” (Wilson)
– Castaway

“Because it is all so f***ing hysterical.”
-Road to Perdition

“Does the pope shit in the woods?”
-The Big Lebowski

“I shall call him squishy and he shall be mine. He shall be my squishy. “
-Finding Nemo

“Put the candle back.”
-Young Frankenstien

“Do or do not.  There is no try.”
– The Empire Strikes Back

Lady: Nervous?
Ted Striker: Yes.
Lady: First time?
Ted Striker: No, I’ve been nervous lots of times.

-Airplane

Too many from Airplane to list here.  And please don’t call me Shirley….


“A heart is not judged by how much you love;
but by how much you are loved by others.”

-Wizard of Oz


These are just a few of mine, that are coming about right now.  What’s yours?

Feb 04

Screaming Mimi!

This, my friends, is one of the Corgi Brothers.  They live right down the street from us.  Whenever we walk by their house, the Corgi Brothers bark like mad dogs.  Then in turn, Max & Frances start barking like all get out.  And every time….. every single dang time…. I say…..  “Oh for Pete’s sake…. you, you…. you dogs.  Quit your barking!”  But here is the deal:  WHY is it for Pete’s sake?  Why not, “Oh, for Conrad’s sake!”  So many phrases like that.  Why is it the Jack of all Trades?  I think it should be the Melvin of all Trades.

In the winter time, I wear Long John’s.  Again, right now, I think I would be more comfortable in Long Sigmunds, or even Long Gilberts.  This afternoon I drank a cup of Joe, while some of my friends had Bloody Marys, Tom Collins, and Harvey Wallbangers.  There was a Lazy Susan on the table where we sat.  Why, I ask you… WHY?

Now there is good reason for the old phrase Polly Wolly Doodle All The Day.  Whoever coined that expression knew that most Polly’s get deplorably Wolly from time to time, and then we start to doodle all the dang day.  All the dang day.   Again, enough of this Tom Foolery, which could just as well be Wallace Foolery.

But a piece of advice before I sign off tonight.  Never, and I mean never evvvvvver……. never wear your Mary Jane’s with Bobby Socks.  Seriously.

Fair Thee Well.

Feb 03

Rhymes with…. picket?

This is a spigot.  There are a ton of these around town.  Right on the sidewalks…. up next to brick houses.  They are such a temptation for me.  I get these urges to quietly turn them on and then slink away, inconspicuously……..  or, or, …… how about all the doorbells.  Yeah, the doorbells down here are also located right on the sidewalk areas.  Many of them have little signs tacked above them that say “Press”…….. it is like they are begging for it.  It seems I have these overwhelming urges to ring them and run like crazy…. much different than the stealthy slip-away-tactics at the water faucets.

When I was in high school, I would frequently lose a contact lens in a public place.  I’d crawl around, searching and crying.  “My mom’s gonna’ be SO mad if I lost my lens!” People would help.  Good people.  The problem was, I didn’t wear contacts.

As you can see, there is something terribly wrong with me.  At least now I don’t act on all these  Tom-Fooleries.  I just think about them………this running & slinking and ducking & dodging ……………it is a great cardio workout in my head.

You’ve got something green in between your teeth…..

Feb 02

One good busy day.

Today was filled to the rim, in a good way.  Early breakfast at TOAST.  Best grits and biscuits in all the land…. ALL the land!  They are the kind that makes you rub your belly in public…. even if people DO look on.

Stopped by the Gibbes Museum on the walk home.  Great stop!  They had an exhibit of modern artists (sort of…. I wouldn’t have classified it as such… but the real Exhibit Title was “Art of Our Time.”)  It rocked.  There was a Eugene Atget on display, and a W. Eugene Smith.  (Two Eugies for the price of one.  I wept.)  After…..the dogs and I visited General Washington’s statue in Washington Park of all places!   We all barked at the first president, and it was fun.  People watched.  No one joined in.

I worked some, and shot some.  Then tonight, had a great dinner of salmon, greens, and grits at Magnolia’s.  I made yummy noises in public.  Again, people watched.  From there we went to the symphony.  The German State Philharmonic Orchestra performed.  They came a long way to toot their horns.  They were wonderful.  On the stage, in the walls surrounding the orchestra, are little peep hole doors…. like the kind the mustache guy had at the Emerald City Door in the Wizard of Oz.  Every so often, right during the middle of the performance, one of those would swing open.  I couldn’t see who was looking out, but it was cracking me up.   I’m pretty sure it was Frau Blücher, because I heard a horse whinny a couple of times.  I think she was chaperoning.

This just scratches the surface of these past 24 hours. To the rim with brim, I’ll tell you.   A big and busy day, eating, and barking, and rubbing my own belly in public.  A very big day.

Feb 01

Does this walk make my butt look big?

Ten years ago, I laid ’em down.  Yeppers, after almost 25 years of smoking, I quit….. on this very date.  It is a good thing, really.   I mean, I loved to smoke… but who knows where it would have led me?   I would most probably be Lady 1, in the following scenario.

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady 1: “What’s that?”
Lady 2: “A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.”
Lady 1: “Where did you get it?”
Lady 2: “You can get them at any drugstore.”
The next day … Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: “It doesn’t matter as long as it fits a Camel.”

[Countdown:  Seven Days Remaining……]

Jan 31

Immersion

I can remember when I first heard about the internet.  The concept was a little overwhelming for me initially.  The “world wide web”, they called it.  The Information Superhighway. There was a clip this morning on the Today Show of Katie Couric and Bryant Gumbel discussing this new thing called the internet.  Hilarious.

We’ve come a long way since then, I’ll tell you. We are immersed in “online” everything: social networking, email, texting, blogs, business, entertainment, email…. heaven forbid….. blogs!  We are wired. Maybe too wired. People have begun the migration away from books and newspapers. Kids don’t know how to read or write cursive anymore. (Many have trouble spelling. U no what i meen?)   There’s even an app now that will take a text message and convert it to an audio clip, so you can literally hear it on your cellular device.

Years ago, that was known as an actual phone call.   One ringy-dingy.  Call me.

Jan 30

True Friends will tell you….

Pictured Below:  “When Dogs Give a Breathe Test.”

If they were true friends, they’d let her know that her breathe smells like cat butt.  Which it does………  And for good reason.

I think the dog on the right  is letting Frances know just how crappy it is.  His name is Axel.  Pretty good dog, but he can’t control his gag reflex….. as you can clearly see.    The other one is named Brian O’ Malley.  He thinks he’s an Irish Setter, just because of his name.  Truth of the matter, his mother is a Golden Retriever, and he never knew is dad.  In fact, his mother isn’t even sure….. however, Brian continues to run around the dog park, all smug, making up stories about good old Ireland, the homeland.    He told Frances her breathe smelled like cabbage.  (That is also a possibility.)  Frances and Axel keep telling Brian he’s not an Irish Setter….  yet he continues to purport his Gaelic Ancestry.

But true friends will tell you these things… like……  well…… like……

“Lisa.  That U.S Quarter you gave me and said it was a Grand Cayman Islands Edition Quarter?……  That wouldn’t be quite right on a U.S. Coin, would it?…..  I think it is from the GRAND CANYON…….”  Maybe….just maybe….

Jan 29

One of those days.

Some days are jam-packed, smack-dabbin’ full.  Today was one of those days….

I kicked around all day with friends.  We saw and did some extraordinary things.  We met a woman who was smoking crack.  Well, really, she was just sunning her own crack because she was wearing exceptionally form-fitting plumber pants….hence exposing “said crack” to the high beams of the mid-day.  We tag-teamed blogged about it too…. but I can’t post most of the things that were said, because, as you all know, this movie is Rated G, for the Goodiest of Two-Shoes.  We discoverd a mystery dead bird.  We sat next to a guy who ordered, and ate, a Fred-Flintstone-Sized steak.  He went on to summons the waiter for dessert.  We saw a $30 pile of cow poop….. not to mention some pretty expensive dinosaur dung.  So very much transpired, in a relatively short period of time.  These are just a few of my favorite things…… about this day.

Then, there were the Ugg Boots and Mini-Shorts…. everywhere.  Which brings to mind the great quote by Samuel Johnson:

“Almost all absurdity of conduct arises from the imitation of those who we cannot resemble.”

Ridiculous.