I’m just saying. If this is the front door, I’m sure as heck not going in through the back door!
Well………that’s not really true. I mean, I probably would. But there HAVE been times in my life when I’ve said, “No way. No how!” to certain things.
Like the time my friends and I were at this really nice restaurant, and they wanted me to put straws up my nose and do my walrus imitation. I, of course, obliged to that….you all know how I LOVE animals. I was snorting and sluffing all over the place… head bobbing to and fro… had my hands facing down on the table and wobbled around like a big ol’ walrus. Spilled three water glasses for effect. So…. then…. they wanted me to take the loaf of bread, stuff two olives in the flat side for eyes, make a little mouth hole in it, and do my Bread Man imitation. Well, that ALWAYS sounds like fun to me…. so I did that too. I get this scary voice on, almost Slingblade-ish, but not quite… and become…..Bread Man. That little loaf told stories, and jokes, and we laughed so hard. Shoot, one lady peed. I’m not sure if it was really that funny, or if she’s just getting to that age when bladder control becomes bladder out of control. Oh, we went on and on, until the manager asked us to leave. So on the way out, they wanted me to wave goodbye to everyone…..like Queen Elizabeth on the balcony. I said.. “No way. No how.” (I’m sure you all know why….)
I never can say goodbye….no, no, no, no…..
I love movies. But I don’t often go to the theatre to watch them. However, we went to see “The King’s Speech” and it was very, very good. Superb acting. A lot of stammering…. which didn’t make for a lot of memorable quotes. But nonetheless, an excellent film.
Yes, I love great lines from movies too. Some of my favorites that are coming to mind right now….
“I fancy! There’s only one of him, and he’s it. He’s the Horse of a Different Color.”
-Wizard of Oz
“Because it is all so f***ing hysterical.”
-Road to Perdition
“Does the pope shit in the woods?”
-The Big Lebowski
“I shall call him squishy and he shall be mine. He shall be my squishy. “
“Put the candle back.”
“Do or do not. There is no try.”
– The Empire Strikes Back
Ted Striker: Yes.
Lady: First time?
Ted Striker: No, I’ve been nervous lots of times.
Too many from Airplane to list here. And please don’t call me Shirley….
“A heart is not judged by how much you love;
but by how much you are loved by others.”
-Wizard of Oz
These are just a few of mine, that are coming about right now. What’s yours?
This, my friends, is one of the Corgi Brothers. They live right down the street from us. Whenever we walk by their house, the Corgi Brothers bark like mad dogs. Then in turn, Max & Frances start barking like all get out. And every time….. every single dang time…. I say….. “Oh for Pete’s sake…. you, you…. you dogs. Quit your barking!” But here is the deal: WHY is it for Pete’s sake? Why not, “Oh, for Conrad’s sake!” So many phrases like that. Why is it the Jack of all Trades? I think it should be the Melvin of all Trades.
In the winter time, I wear Long John’s. Again, right now, I think I would be more comfortable in Long Sigmunds, or even Long Gilberts. This afternoon I drank a cup of Joe, while some of my friends had Bloody Marys, Tom Collins, and Harvey Wallbangers. There was a Lazy Susan on the table where we sat. Why, I ask you… WHY?
Now there is good reason for the old phrase Polly Wolly Doodle All The Day. Whoever coined that expression knew that most Polly’s get deplorably Wolly from time to time, and then we start to doodle all the dang day. All the dang day. Again, enough of this Tom Foolery, which could just as well be Wallace Foolery.
But a piece of advice before I sign off tonight. Never, and I mean never evvvvvver……. never wear your Mary Jane’s with Bobby Socks. Seriously.
Fair Thee Well.
This is a spigot. There are a ton of these around town. Right on the sidewalks…. up next to brick houses. They are such a temptation for me. I get these urges to quietly turn them on and then slink away, inconspicuously…….. or, or, …… how about all the doorbells. Yeah, the doorbells down here are also located right on the sidewalk areas. Many of them have little signs tacked above them that say “Press”…….. it is like they are begging for it. It seems I have these overwhelming urges to ring them and run like crazy…. much different than the stealthy slip-away-tactics at the water faucets.
When I was in high school, I would frequently lose a contact lens in a public place. I’d crawl around, searching and crying. “My mom’s gonna’ be SO mad if I lost my lens!” People would help. Good people. The problem was, I didn’t wear contacts.
As you can see, there is something terribly wrong with me. At least now I don’t act on all these Tom-Fooleries. I just think about them………this running & slinking and ducking & dodging ……………it is a great cardio workout in my head.
You’ve got something green in between your teeth…..
Today was filled to the rim, in a good way. Early breakfast at TOAST. Best grits and biscuits in all the land…. ALL the land! They are the kind that makes you rub your belly in public…. even if people DO look on.
Stopped by the Gibbes Museum on the walk home. Great stop! They had an exhibit of modern artists (sort of…. I wouldn’t have classified it as such… but the real Exhibit Title was “Art of Our Time.”) It rocked. There was a Eugene Atget on display, and a W. Eugene Smith. (Two Eugies for the price of one. I wept.) After…..the dogs and I visited General Washington’s statue in Washington Park of all places! We all barked at the first president, and it was fun. People watched. No one joined in.
I worked some, and shot some. Then tonight, had a great dinner of salmon, greens, and grits at Magnolia’s. I made yummy noises in public. Again, people watched. From there we went to the symphony. The German State Philharmonic Orchestra performed. They came a long way to toot their horns. They were wonderful. On the stage, in the walls surrounding the orchestra, are little peep hole doors…. like the kind the mustache guy had at the Emerald City Door in the Wizard of Oz. Every so often, right during the middle of the performance, one of those would swing open. I couldn’t see who was looking out, but it was cracking me up. I’m pretty sure it was Frau Blücher, because I heard a horse whinny a couple of times. I think she was chaperoning.
This just scratches the surface of these past 24 hours. To the rim with brim, I’ll tell you. A big and busy day, eating, and barking, and rubbing my own belly in public. A very big day.
Ten years ago, I laid ’em down. Yeppers, after almost 25 years of smoking, I quit….. on this very date. It is a good thing, really. I mean, I loved to smoke… but who knows where it would have led me? I would most probably be Lady 1, in the following scenario.
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady 1: “What’s that?”
Lady 2: “A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.”
Lady 1: “Where did you get it?”
Lady 2: “You can get them at any drugstore.”
The next day … Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: “It doesn’t matter as long as it fits a Camel.”
[Countdown: Seven Days Remaining……]