Hold the Mayo.

The Loveliest

Cordilia was the loveliest Wood Nymph Fairy in the Land. She lived in the Golden Forest, with the nice rabbits, and the non-obnoxious squirrels. The butterflies fluttered near large blue-globe thistle plants. The sun was always warm and bright.  Little fellas would whistle when they worked.

Theennnnnnnnnn….. one day…. a dark stranger came to the Forest. The stranger introduced herself to Cordilia. Her name was Ruinyurday from the land of Ohioalea. She seemed nice enough. She wore corn husks for earrings, and a necklace of woven soybean plants. Yet… she smelled vaguely of cow manure. And… she walked with a limp.

But as I mentioned…Ruinyurday seemed nice enough and offered a piece of white toast with butter on it… to Cordilia. The little chipmunks ran around in nervous little circles. You could almost hear them singing…. little nervous songs.

Little Cordilia politely said….”No thank you ma’am. I’m trying to go TOTALLY gluten free… AND I’m watching my waist.” To which Ruinyurday responded…. “Eat it you little wench. Or I shall slather it with Helmann’s Mayonnaise, and force it down your throat.”

Cordilia obliged. “Hmmmm. This is quite tasty. Did you say this was butter?” she exclaimed.
Ruinyurday scoffed… “No. It’s not butter.”
Cordilia… surprised and alarmed said…. “I can’t believe it’s NOT butter!”

At any rate, as soon as she took the bite… the skies turned gray. The winds began to howl from the North… like crazy…. I’m telling you.  And then….the snow filled the sky.

Everyone took heed.  The squirrels began to run. They called back over their shoulders… “Run Rabbit. Run.”

Suddenly, and savagely, it happened. The entire Golden Forest was covered with ice and snow. The Arctic Vortex had fallen upon the fine, fine land. Ruinyurday said… Welcome to the NEW Ohioalea. I am the new Ice Queen.  Mayonnaise on white bread….. all around the table.”

And the entire forest was sad. And miserable. And frozen. Snow covered. Wretched and Lugubrious.

The End.
Until Spring.


“Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.” – Hesiod  (True Quote from Hediod.  I didn’t make that up.)

“Do not consider it proof just because it is written in books, for a liar who will deceive with his tongue will not hesitate to do the same with his pen. ” – Maimonides

Wearing the same hat.


We had a double-sparkly good evening.

First, I picked up a pizza at the Central Avenue Drive-Thru Pizza in Camden. Once again, the Rizzzza rocked it out. Best Pizza in forever. Sparkle One.

Then, we watched The Butler. Sparkle Two. I thought it was truly a good movie. Robin Williams as Eisenhower was a stretch for me. Dwight D. was such an unfunny president … and I was just waiting for ol’ Robin to break out in a happy dance or something. Seriously though. This movie scored big with me.

Whenever I see a film like this, it gives me cause to reflect. Specifically, it made me revisit the entire Human Rights Issue. I won’t get on my soapbox tonight. I’ll just propose this.

We do not have to like everyone on this planet. Not at all. But I do think we should gladly afford ALL humans, the equal rights they deserve.

I wish that ALL people possessed the intrinsic dignity which recognizes the level course of fundamental rights for all humans.

I know a lot of people who hold this principle very true to their hearts. I also know many, who do not.

So enough from my soap box.

Instead.  Tonight…..  a Troll Conversation.

Nice Hat.
I like yours too.
Yours is a different color than mine.
Yep. Different. But not necessarily better.
I guess they are about the same shape, and size.
Yep. They sure are. In some ways, they are very much the same.

I like your hat.
I like yours too.

From the equality of rights springs identity of our highest interests; you cannot subvert your neighbor’s rights without striking a dangerous blow at your own. -Carl Shurz

Bag of Monkey

monkey bag....

A gift can be a couple of different things, don’t you know?

If you have a gift…. you have a natural ability or talent. For example… someone has a gift for comedy, or sports, or mathematics.

Now me, I have a real gift for fashion and modeling. Not many people can tell this by looking at me. I keep it very well hidden. While some folks are better at sharing their gifts than others…. I like to keep this one under wraps….. so as not to make others uncomfortable.

Now…. most people think I look this way because I don’t know any better. Ahhhh, but that is not the case. I can identify poor fashion in a heartbeat. But enough about me. And gifts.

Other than we should probably be very thankful for our personal gifts….. be it cooking, rock climbing, or dog grooming. It matters…… and YOU matter.

And then…. the other kind of gift is this…  … a thing given willingly to someone without payment; a present.

A gift. Most of the times, we receive these gifts unexpectedly… and from people who seem to like us. (For whatever reason THAT may be).

On the other hand. There are times when we get something from someone that seems a little baffling… or even undesirable. For instance, last week, my friend Thelma gave me a Norelco 3-in-1 Shaver. WHY, Thelma…. WHY?

None-the-less. When someone gives us a gift… we should probably give thanks to them…. for their kindness and thoughtfulness.

Well. Well.  Welllll… let me tell you. Late last night, I received a gift. A wonderfully hand-crafted Sock Monkey Wallet. I am VERY thankful for this gift. The person who made this for me was very sweet and thoughtful in this act of consideration and warmth. (Not to mention their talent in sewing… aka… THEIR GIFT.)

I am touched.

PLUS… it is a SOCK MONKEY WALLET…… for crying out loud. How great is that? A perfect accessory to my already impeccable wardrobe. It goes great with my everyday on-the-go wear…. as well as… my evening out-on-the-town fare.  (Which looks very similar to one another).

What a lucky girl I am. I am packing my Sock Monkey Wallet wherever I go.

With gratitude in my heart. For every little monkey face on the thing….  gives me much joy.

If instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a loving thought into the heart of a friend, that would be giving as the angels give. – George MacDonald

Who’s a good girl?


Seek not to understand that you may believe, but believe that you may understand. – Saint Augustine

There are all kinds of people in this world. In fact, no two are alike. It is good that way, I think, Life is interesting, and diverse. If we were all robotic clones of one another…. all the same… well… just a big old YUK if you ask me.

As it turns out, every species on earth is this way. No two cats are alike, no two butterflies, or Yeti’s or monkeys are the same. Each and every one is different.

This goes for dogs too. There are a bazillion different kinds of canines. However, when it comes to fetching, there are just two types.

Those who fetch. And those who do not.

Here is how to tell the difference, as far in as I can tell.

YOU, human, have the ball. And you throw it. You then proceed to jump up and down excitedly, and shout…. “Where’s the ball girl? Where’s the ball? Go get the ball girl.”

Then, the attention shifts to the dog. Fetcher or Non-Fetcher.

BOTH types of dogs have the initial response.
“You dumb lug. You just threw the ball AGAIN… halfway across the dang yard. You know DARN WELL where it is.”

Now, the Fetching type follows this line of thought.

“Dumb lug. … halfway across the yard… you know where it is. Or DO you? Maybe you are a halfwit of a species… and you know not what you have done. After all, you pee in the house, and you haven’t learned to sniff butts yet. Gawd, I feel so sorry for you. I’ll go get you the ball. But SO HELP ME… do NOT throw that thing again… you dumb oaf. (I’ll never understand those humans.)”

And the Non-Fetching dog follows this line of thought.
“Dumb lug. … halfway across the yard… you know where it is. ….. Yes… you know exactly where it is. I hate it when you are condescending… thinking I am some halfwitted churl. You get the ball if you want it so badly. And SO HELP ME… do NOT throw that thing again… you dumb galoot.(I’ll never understand those humans.)”

Yes. Two types. Those who coddle and those who shirk.

It even sounds like breeds…
Coddle Spaniels. And German Shirkers.

Either way… I like them both…. and the wonderful variation.
With dogs…. and with life.
It keeps me on my toes. Because this human dullard keeps throwing tennis balls.
Some come back my way… and others are rolling into other yards…..

Do not seek to bring things to pass in accordance with your wishes, but wish for them as they are, and you will find them. – Epictetus




The Scary Truth

Boo Scary Boo
I am a pretty big fan of a good movie. Good, being the key word in that phrase.  I like a wide variety of genres too. Probably the only ones I don’t care for are the very gross and graphic slasher chainsaw slice and dice movies. You’ve seen one person cut in half… well.. you’ve seen enough…. in my estimation.

But a scary movie? Yep. I’m in. I didn’t used to be this way. But as of late, I like a good chiller.

You see…. it didn’t take long after the whole movement of motion picture technology started…. for filmmakers to start making things scary. Late in the 19th century…. a really good French director …. named Georges Méliès’ came up with the very first one. It was the 1896 short The House of the Devil.

From there… America was home to the first Frankenstein and Jekyll and Hyde movie adaptations. But the early goings of the scariness came from Germany with films like The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari and Nosferatu. It was these that influenced the most of American cinema.

And early on…. one of my favorites….. Actor Lon Chaney…. pretty much singlehandedly kept American horror afloat, with The Hunchback of Notre Dame, The Phantom of the Opera and The Monster, and so many, many more throughout the 30s

So. That’s the history of it.

These days.. I like the ones about ghosts and the supernatural. They scare the spit right out of me.  It is… ONCE AGAIN…. the whole “deal” I have with not knowing the unknown.

I am trying to watch The Conjuring. But it has taken me 4 days… in little bits. It is kind of like eating jalapeños or hot sauce. It feels both good and bad at the same exact time.  And you can only tolerate it in small doses.

And when I’m watching a scary movie… I get really involved. I don’t yell at the screen when I watch a comedy. No need… really. But a frightener? I will yell…. “What the heck are you splitting up for? Why do you people ALWAYS say ‘Let’s split up.’???” It all goes terribly wrong from that point on.

Annnnnddd…. they always walk around in the dark with just a flashlight, or a candle, or a match. Turn on the lights for crying out loud.

So… with all of that said… I think we can learn a life lesson or two from the scary movie.
1. Always Stick Together

2. Always Walk in the Light.

Gone Baby Gone.


I haven’t ever talked much about the dinosaurs here. It could be that I feel sorry for them. They up…. and got smelly. Or… as I heard it when I was a kid…. extra stink.

They are a pretty big topic of controversy right now. Some say they never existed. Others, according to the creation theory, suggest the dinos haven’t been absent for very long at all. In fact…. the theory states that the Universe, Earth and all life on Earth were created by direct acts of the Abrahamic God during a relatively short period, sometime between 5,700 and 10,000 years ago.

So then there are the scientists with the carbon dated fossil findings, linking dinosaurs to the period between 230 and 65 million years ago, in a time known as the Mesozoic Era.

This theory suggests this was many millions of years before the first modern humans, Homo sapiens, appeared….. during these 3 periods: the Triassic, Jurassic and Cretaceous.

Me…?  I think their arms were fat.  That is the reason they no longer exist.  Fatty arms.  Their wrists were too big to fit a watch.  And… as a result… they missed the departure time of the Ark.  It even says in the Bible how punctual Noah was.  “Be here on time… or we leave your butt behind.”

So who is right? The scientists or the religious creationists…. or ME?

Well… I will leave that for you all to explore and decide. That is why I don’t speak of dinosaurs here.

But I DO know this. I cancelled our Land Line Phone Account today. I’ve been doing the Extinct Dinosaur Dance all throughout the house….. pretty much for the entirety of the day. Woooooo. Dang. Hooooooo.. No more Century Link.

No more Service Provider Dinosaurs. The Missing Link to our land line is finally gone.

This mystery was solved by extinction as exerted by me. I am sure there are plenty of good people at that phone company. But for us… it got smelly. Those particular Dinosaurs are extra, extra stinky.

Not all those who wander are lost. – J. R. R. Tolkien

Lost time is never found again. – Benjamin Franklin

The Un-Mean Season

Me Feeding

I buy the apples and carrots.  I throw them in the snow.


Then they eat and we shoot them with the CAMERA.


They eat at dawn and they eat at dusk.

After we shoot them… they can still run and frolic… and be with their Moms and their families…. and eat more.  And laugh about recent episodes on The Big Bang Theory.


Me Feeding

And then…. I buy more apples and carrots.  I drop them everywhere.


They eat again.  We shoot again.  They run and play reindeer games again.  Vicious cycle, it is not.  Wonderful cycle…it IS.


And Frances is sure we are up to something.

The miracle is this.  The more we share, the more we have.  – Leonard Nimoy


The Great Mystery

PB and J

…. and to this day… the mystery remains.

I LOVE that statement. Whenever I read it in a book or hear it in a movie.

Just the sound of it….. well…. It sends shivers up my timbers, I’ll tell you. It doesn’t matter what the mystery is. I don’t care about the context.

“The peanut butter was found WITH the jelly between two slices of white bread on the kitchen counter. And to this day… the mystery remains.”

YOU SEE? Do you see how GREAT that is?

“They found that the mousetrap had snapped, but the cheese was gone. But there was no sign of a mouse. And to this day… the mystery remains. “

I’m telling you. This phrase is better than “Little did she know…” another one of my favorites.

“Little did she know …. poisonous gas was creeping across the field and surrounding her like a deviously rolling fog.”

Once again, the context of the statement makes no difference. It is just a perfectly lovely thought. Well… not the poisonous gas part… but the other.

You see, I love a good mystery it seems. And these phrases are filled with an unknown and potentially duplicitous and cunning scheme.

Truth be told, I think I like the mysterious, because my life if really unvaried, and pretty repetitive. You know how it goes….. the day in and the day out of it. I am not complaining one little iota. I rather like it that way. Uneventful.  Even Steven.

But with that said, I DO enjoy the “imagining” of circumstances uncharted and perhaps….even unheard of.

The troll under the bridge, the jolly dude at the north pole, the giant in the clouds with the goose laying golden eggs, the figure you saw from the corner of your eye, the tooth fairy, and the tea party. Mad hatter and all.

Don’t call me Sherlock though. I never attempt to figure them out. I think it is better that way Watson.  Much better.

Because.  As I mentioned.

“…. to this day, the mystery remains.”

“We have to stop and be humble enough to understand that there is something called mystery.” – Paulo Coelho


The Wonder Years.

Max Glass

As a sidebar, before I even post the rest… I had one of you on my mind the entire time I was writing tonight.  This rarely, rarely happens.  So if for some reason, any of this jumps out for you… … well…. maybe our little brains were connecting.    Sometimes I don’t know what it all means… or if any of it is on the mark… but it sure does make me wonder.

“Some stories are true that never happened.” – Elie Wiesel
Most days I wonder. About everything. And about nothing. Like…. why does Saturn REALLY have rings? Do dogs every remember their puppy days?

Do ghosts truly exists? What about angels? If the answer is yes for one, isn’t it yes for both?

Who came up with the idea for stair steps? How about making cheese?

A guy named Charles Morgan once said “As knowledge increases, wonder deepens.” I have found…. at least for me… that this is so dang true.

I mean, you begin to wonder about one little tiny topic… the next thing you know…. there is wonder spilling out all over the place.

And the things that we are capable of imagining… or conceptualizing… well….. they are boundless. And I like this part of life.

Another cool guy… John Muir…. once said: “The power of imagination makes us infinite.”

Yes infinite. Our humans brains are quite capable of envisioning the immeasurable.

And when we quit trying to measure it… or quantify it….. our minds can fly higher than the stars… or even faster than the rings of Saturn.