They say, I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed.

How in the world did wives get tails? This was quite the visual for me when I was a little kid. I thought, one day I was going to wake up, go down to breakfast, and my Mom would be standing with her back to me at the stove…. all clad in some hairy beast of a tail. This frightened me to no end. I can’t even begin to tell you.

Another that troubled me was “Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.” This was just confusing to me. Any monkey? A particular monkey? If you are going to be the uncle of a monkey, it must mean that one of your siblings gave birth to a monkey. Again, this was quite disconcerting.  Mainly because my Dad would say it from time to time.  I wasn’t quite sure what that indicated about me.

Of course, I became quite unhinged, whenever I heard that someone had a frog in his throat.  The very first time I ‘got wind of this’… I nearly threw up.  I became desensitized the more I was exposed to it.

Go figure, but I heard this one a lot…. “Now you just hold your horses young lady.” Goodness. What are these adults talking about? I didn’t have horses.  If I did, how in the heck would you hold one…. like a cat, I presume?  They are huge.   I couldn’t figure it.  Not for the life of me.

Now,  I am not sure why…. but no one ever said this next one directly to me.   However, I heard it aimed at a lot of my friends. “What’s wrong? Cat got your tongue?” What the heck does this mean? How in the world would a cat get anyone’s tongue?  That’s just… just… gross.  To this day…..

These were just a few of my misunderstandings when I was a child.

But tonight…. we’ve really been on a roll, haven’t we?   Yep, Now we are cooking with Crisco. Or… maybe I am sounding like a broken record.  Could be right now, you think I am as dumb as a box of rocks. Or as sharp as a basketball. Needless to say… the writing is on the wall. Or the screen. I guess I better just turn over a new leaf. Or the early bird may get that worm.

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